


To Know Your Heart

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Violence, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 13:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: Arthur loved Merlin : that statement was true, true to the marrow of his bones, to the bottom of his heart.And yet it wasn't enough.Because Arthur loved Merlin.Or he would, if only he knew he could.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't mess too much with the times in this one. Anyway, enjoy !

Arthur loved Merlin. It was a truth ingrained in his bones, settled there since forever - since he first set eyes on him. It was a truth he couldn't escape, ever (and he was fine with it, he thought). It didn't matter if his bright blue eyes made his heart flutter, or if his beaming smile made his breath catch in his chest. It didn't matter because he loved him (or it wouldn't, if only he knew).

***

Arthur had met Merlin through a friend of his sister. Morgana had invited Gwen to her party, and the latter had asked to bring her roommate, new in town, who didn't know anyone and didn't quite know what to do with himself either (or so Arthur thought). Merlin had shown up in tight dark jeans that hung low on his hips and a fitting blue shirt that matched the color of his eyes. (Later, Arthur would say that his ears looked ridiculous. Later, he would say that his hair were terribly unkept). At that instant, however, all he had wanted was to slid his hand in the black locks to see if they were as soft as they seemed. (He wouldn't admit it).

***

Their friendship surprised everyone. Merlin had insulted him the first time they met, and hadn't stop since ; Arthur mocked him at every turn. And yet they seemed to spend more and more time together (Arthur would later see, would later understand). When Merlin's touch burned his skin, he shrugged it off. When Merlin's smile made something tighten in his chest, he shrugged it off. When Merlin took his hand, he shrugged it off. There wasn't anything else he could do.

***

No one understood how two men so different from each other could share so much. Arthur was the golden son, heir to his father's company ; Merlin had lived in a small village with his mother and worked with his uncle to pay for university. Arthur was a business man through and through ; Merlin studied chemistry. Arthur dressed in tight fitting suits and was careful about his looks ; Merlin wore hoodies and dark rimmed glasses. Arthur's nails were manicured ; Merlin's ears were pierced. Arthur always worked late and didn't go out ; Merlin was easy to like and was always invited to the bar or the club. The latter irritated Arthur (it wasn't jealousy. How could it be ? They were just friends).

***

But Arthur would later say what the people didn't know (they didn't know much, they would later figure. Only Morgana, maybe, could understand). Because Arthur's mother and Merlin's father were both gone. (One had died, one had left. It didn't matter : the guilt was the same). Because they shared their love for literature (and movies. And series. And music). Because they would spend evenings curled up on the same couch (against each other) drinking hot chocolate and bickering until nightfall. Then they would share hushed whispers and long held secrets (the ones that couldn't be heard). Because Arthur loved Merlin (even when he couldn't).

***

It was also because Uther had raised Arthur to lead as Merlin never obeyed ; because Arthur would scream then cry alone when Merlin would shush then hold ; because Arthur would be kind and hide when Merlin would be open in his affections. It was because Merlin was everything that Arthur wasn't (and then more). And everything Arthur needed (but that was a thought he couldn't comprehend).

***

And that was why Arthur hadn't been able to explain, when Morgana had asked, what had pushed him to offer his flat when Merlin had needed a place to crash (Gwen had wanted to move out, and Merlin couldn't afford the rent alone). But Merlin had came to live with him anyway and the sight of him barely dressed as he got out of his room in the morning, sleepy still, hair ruffled and cheeks red from where the pillow had left his mark, had been absolute torture to Arthur (because he was used to live alone. Because he didn't like having someone inside the only place he could feel at peace. Because he wanted to wake up next to Merlin every morning). And if he felt something burn low inside him every time Merlin stepped out of the bathroom - hair curling around ears that he wanted to bite, towel wrapped around hips that he wanted to grip, rivulets of water sliding down his chest (and the nipples he wanted to suck) - he quickly dismissed it (for it could only be shame, for having trespassed his friend's privacy).

***

And yet they worked fine together (were happy together). Arthur cooked and Merlin cleaned (if he felt like it). Arthur knew the best places for takeaway, Merlin knew the best movies to watch (and didn't mind to share his books). They went grocery shopping together (Arthur would by fruits and vegetables ; Merlin would beg for chocolate. Arthur would argue but by some anyway). They were like an old married couple and maybe that was the problem. Because they weren't married - weren't together. (Because they didn't love each other, so Arthur thought).

***

The downfall came unexpected. "Arthur " Merlin had said " this is Gwaine, my boyfriend ". Arthur had frowned " Your friend, you mean ? " he'd said, puzzled. Merlin had shook his head " We're together " he'd replied, guarded. " As a couple ". Arthur had nodded and shaken Gwaine's hand. He had smile through dinner and when Gwaine had left he had invited him to come by anytime. He hadn't slept that night.

***

From then on it had become a nightmare. Each of Merlin's smiles (toward Gwaine) would make pain bloom bright inside his chest. Each of his laughs would be like broken glass (each of his moans a twist of the knife in Arthur's chest). From then on Arthur couldn't stand Merlin's presence (he left early not to see him, came home late not to see him, sometimes locked himself in his bedroom)(the sight of lovebites on Merlin's neck would make his heart lurch in his chest).

***

Arthur hated Merlin. He came to that conclusion when he yelled at him for the umpteenth time to clean behind him (because there had been one of Gwaine's shirt on the floor - and a condom in the trashcan). He hated him so much that he couldn't stand to see him anymore - because he wasn't the one to make him smile and laugh and moan.

***

And yet he never asked Merlin to move out - because Merlin still bought takeaway for him, and had left the day before a new book of his favorite author on his nightstand, and had nowhere to go (later he would also know that it was because he didn't want Merlin to go - didn't want him to live with Gwaine).

***

Gwaine asked anyway and Merlin said he'd think about it. That night he got drunk and slept with Sophia - or maybe it was Vivian, he didn't remember (they didn't have blue eyes). He came home the next morning with bloodshot eyes and found Merlin in the kitchen. " Where have you been ? " Merlin asked, lips bitten raw (later, Arthur would understand that it was from worry ; later, he would wonder why he didn't see)(now, it just made him see red). " I met a girl at the club " he said. " We went to her place ". He hated Merlin, that was why his blood sang in triumph at the pain flashing in Merlin's eyes. (That was the only explanation, wasn't it ?)

***

He hated him and Morgana didn't understand. He opened himself up to her one night, and there were tears falling down his cheeks. Morgana hugged him tight. " I don't see hate in you " she whispered " only pain. Are you sure it's not love that you feel ? ". Arthur stayed adamant (it wasn't, how could it be ?). That night, he also learned that Gwen wasn't Morgana's friend - she was her partner of three years. That night, he laid in his bed, eyes wide open. He didn't sleep.

***

The next day Merlin went to a club with a few friends. Arthur stayed at home, throat tight, pretending he had a headache (he knew Gwaine would come). He opened a bottle of cheap vodka left in a cupboard and drank until he couldn't remember his own name (but not Merlin's, never Merlin : him, he couldn't forget). Merlin came home late and found him on the sofa. Arthur got up, stumbled, fell on his knees in front of Merlin. He cried, too. " I hate you, I hate you so much, you have no idea " he said. (Or perhaps " I love you " or " you hurt me " - it didn't matter, Morgana had shown him : it was all the same).

***

Arthur woke up curled up on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around his shoulder. Wincing in pain, he went to the kitchen. Merlin was cooking pancakes. He smiled at him and Arthur's heart fluttered. He found the glass of water and the painkillers Merlin had prepared for him and smiled so wide it hurt. (Later, he would remember what he had said the night before). (Later, he would learn that Merlin had broken up with Gwaine that very morning).

***

Their friendship, once suffocated, could breathe again. It was because Arthur was starting to understand (Merlin told him about the threats of some men that were at the club. Ice filled his veins and it took all he had not to go find them). Except it was not friendship anymore - not quite. (Arthur would later curse himself not to have known sooner)(Because then he wouldn't have let Merlin go that night).

***

He received the call when he least expected it. He was working and the phone rang. It was the hospital and numbness spread through him. Merlin was in a coma, they told him, and he was listed as the first contact (before Gwen or Morgana or Gwaine, before even his mother)(the thought could't warm him, dread was too cold inside him). He had been assaulted outside a club and had been heavily injured. Broken jaw and ribs and fingers, they said, a punctured lung and several bruises. He hadn't woken up yet, they admitted (and maybe he wouldn't). For the first time he left work early. His knuckles were white where he gripped the steering wheel.

***

The hospital was blank and smelled of antiseptic. He hated it in an instant, went inside anyway. A nurse led him to Merlin's room. Two men were beside Merlin's bed. One was the bartender that worked nearby the club - the one that had stopped Merlin's aggressors (he looked angry, teeth grounded, his huge frame and jaw locked tight). The other, he learned, was a kind looking doctor that hadn't been on shift at the time (drinking with friends at the bar). He was the one that had treated the worst of Merlin's wounds as soon as he had been able to (while the bartender had called an ambulance). Without them, Merlin would have died. Arthur didn't thank them (not yet, not quite, he couldn't)(the shock of seeing Merlin pale on the sheets was too much).

***

In the hours that followed he called Morgana (and Gwen) and Merlin's mother (he learned that her name was Hunith) and after a thought he called Gwaine (Merlin and him had stayed friend after their fallout, he knew, Gwaine deserved to know). Morgana promised to come (as Gwen did her best to reassure him). Merlin's mother wasn't shocked, as she'd also been called by the hospital (she was terrified, of course she was - and already on her way). Gwaine didn't answer but Arthur left a message anyway (later, Arthur would learn that as soon as he heard it, Gwaine went to see Gwen's brother - a police officer - to throw him on the tail of the aggressors (and that his friend had gladly complied)).

***

And then he slumped on a chair, close to Merlin's bed. He looked at his bruised face and felt white hot rage burn inside him. He thought about the men that had assaulted Merlin and understood : that, _that_ was hate. His eyes racked Merlin's thin frame and he brought his hand up to brush away Merlin's hair from his forehead (the doctor and the bartender looked away - the moment too intimate). There, Arthur thought, _there_ was fear. He gently let his hand trail down Merlin's arm and tangled his fingers with his. And that, Arthur thought, watching their entwined hands, _that_ was love. (Later, when Merlin would wake up, he would tell him, and something before coiled tight would loosen in his chest. Later, Merlin would smile).


End file.
